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Author Topic: We need to have a talk.  (Read 290 times)

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Offline Cunty McGiggles

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We need to have a talk.
« on: September 24, 2019, 06:28:22 pm »
Hi, my name is Cunty.

Some of you may know me through TS, on the servers, or on discord. The reason I wanted to make this post today is because as a community, I don't think we're vulnerable enough with eachother. Call me gay, call me a faggot, but I don't think we express our vulnerability enough with eachother.

What do I mean by that?


We all go through shitty situations in our lives. People die, best friends turn out to be traitors, people have shitty home lives, people use drugs, drink, breakups happen, the list goes on and on. The truth of the matter is, at times, we all have a shitty time going through life, and this is something that's unique to every person. No matter your age, no matter your race, gender, whatever, we're all strapped onto this roller coaster of life and it's ups and downs.

I think Tango should be a safe community for everyone in it to be able to talk about their problems without judgement. This happens through understanding, and understanding comes from sharing our problems but most importantly, how we feel about them. I see the kind of toxicity that arises on the servers at times, and I think I know why. Often times the most toxic people are the ones that are hurting the most. I think we can all do better by choosing to talk about these things instead of lashing out. We can never change what happens to us, but we can always change how we react.

So what's my story?

Well, about 6 years ago I visited a psychiatrist and was clinically diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. This was on the heels of numerous suicide attempts through a variety of methods and cutting myself. It was like this throughout my undergraduate, until I thought enough was enough and put myself into therapy for a year during my final year of my undergrad. I'm not going to lie, I still have bad days where I feel terribly insecure, and even I've lashed out and done toxic shit on the servers. I was an asshole to many people, and if any of those people that I'm referring too are reading this, I want to apologize to you sincerely. Although it was a misguided attempt at making myself feel better by bringing you down, I want you to know that I still feel ashamed of how I treated you. We can never go back and change the past and undo the hurt we've caused, but we can learn from them sincerely and do better moving forward.

**I mention the loss of a tango member here, so if you want to skip this paragraph, please read on***
Part of the reason I want to bring this up is because of Dream. Her passing was incredibly difficult for Tango as a community, and very much so to some specific individuals. I know this is a sore spot to bring up as many people are still hurting. But that's exactly why we need to talk about it. The thing is, I still see many people suffering, and if Tango can be a safe home, a haven for people going through this shit where we can all speak about whats hurting us the most without judgement, it might be just the thing that people need to push through these difficult situations in our lives, or at the very least, make it a little easier. The most connected I've ever seen the community was with support with @deltapuma. People weren't afraid of sharing that grief in that moment. And you want to know what happened? People came together.

For those of you that are interested in what I mean further, please check out this video:

I think regardless of how we may have treated eachother before, there is always room for people to come together and just... talk. With that being said, I would like to mention a couple of points here.

1) If any of you guys need anyone to talk too, please feel free to message me. If we've had shit before in the past I would be more than happy to discuss in order to clear things up. Reach me through the discord, steam, or even TS. I will always have time for people even though I may not always reply right away. New member, old member, if we met or never have, feel free :)

2) For anyone after having read the entirety of this post and have the urge to comment something nasty or negative, I just want to ask that you really sit down with yourself and ask why you want to comment something nasty or negative. What exactly would you be getting out of it?

3) This may not be applicable to every tango member. Some people might be having an alright or even great life going on for themselves, and that's great! But I do know many people still have their own shit going on.

4) This was meant to be a rant post, but if anyone wants to share whats on their minds publicy, cool. If youre not ready yet, thats also cool.
This is prob gunna be my last thing ever posting on this server unless I come back but anyone ever notice how if you Switch the X and the L on Axel you get Alex???? just a thought... Bye guys!!!!


To those of you talking shit above, 90 percent of you mother fuckers are fake af, and talk shit behind people’s back. I kept quiet for awhile to avoid getting banned, but at this point 🤷‍♀️  Many of you made my last month or so in tango shitty, and well karmas a bitch and you deserve what you’ve got coming.




Offline deltapuma

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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2019, 06:49:59 pm »
This is great exactly what I think the community needs. As someone who might not be active yet cares about the community I agree with this 100%. It is funny you bring up Brene Brown since I was just talking about I said her book "Daring Greatly" is my leadership and well now more or less my life bible. I love how she talks about opening up and how it might just suck but you can do great things if you just do it [Being ambiguous so you go out to read it.] I think that I mentioned it even in Leddy's post about being vulnerable and well showing up to be a leader. But more on the topic at hand I really enjoyed the Support with deltapuma thing as well it was a space where we could open up, that is what made me so attracted to Peer Counseling and eventually why I decided Tango. That is why it hurts me to see it gone I think the community helped a lot because it allowed the space for people to talk and say what is on there mind. Maybe this time around we can open up a space for like a group, it never hurts. But I want to thank you cunty for this post because I do think it is very beneficial let's hope that people read it and act upon it.
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Offline Conman118

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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2019, 07:10:08 pm »
Really hard to have a serious post w/ the name "Cunty" and "Big Booty Bitches"
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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2019, 10:17:09 pm »
I suppose if I'm honest I don't see it happening for the majority of people, at least showing vulnerability community-wide. There's a variety of people, of all ages, and not all of them are gonna be understanding of other people's things.

"hey taking a temp leave cause my ma is sick"
"hope your ma dies"

yaknow, there will always be one saying something dumb like that. It's the internet and there are little repercussions for people saying mean things, likely why we do it so much

but with cL gone, it does seem reasonable for the idea of peer counselling coming back to be proposed, given the right leadership of the group & all that other stuff. Should allow the vulnerability for those who are ready to give it. <- probably the most useful point of my post

Figured I would comment something cause I think the idea is nice, and it's nice that you're tryna do something nice.



Edit: feels like I wasn't helpful enough in original post PepeHands

Alternatives to public vulnerability
- be vulnerable with friends you trust
- having a journal, physical or digital (maybe sounds lame, but writing it all out can help clear your mind of it, can help you be done with something - write it down, throw it away, yeet those problems away, or deal with them, overcome them, whatever suits your boot)
- throwaway accounts on reddit to vent
- parents/siblings if you're close
- you know those ranges where they just let you smash a bunch of plates?

Worried about someone?
- try reaching out, even if you don't really know them, if your intentions are good, I'm sure the efforts will still be appreciated
- sounds dumb, but memes, something to laugh at can really help to help someone out of a bad day
- try inviting them to things
- worst case scenario - contact appropriate authorities

Other shit
- please, thank you's, good job's after they did well in a game or something - small but can make a difference
- like cunty said, if you're gonna do something kinda rude/mean, try and stop yourself beforehand, or at least see afterwards how it's kinda dick-ish

None of this is to preach "aye I'm a good person" cause I'm far from that w/ the shit I've done - but if you're at fuckshit bottom it's only up from there, eh
You don't gotta be a professional to do any of the above, just a friend; you can do et. ๑ , , ๑
« Last Edit: September 26, 2019, 12:39:08 am by Caribou »


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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2019, 10:33:25 pm »
I suppose if I'm honest I don't see it happening for the majority of people, at least showing vulnerability community-wide. There's a variety of people, of all ages, and not all of them are gonna be understanding of other people's things.

"hey taking a temp leave cause my ma is sick"
"hope your ma dies"

yaknow, there will always be one saying something dumb like that. It's the internet and there are little repercussions for people saying mean things, likely why we do it so much

but with cL gone, it does seem reasonable for the idea of peer counselling coming back to be proposed, given the right leadership of the group & all that other stuff. Should allow the vulnerability for those who are ready to give it. <- probably the most useful point of my post

Figured I would comment something cause I think the idea is nice, and it's nice that you're tryna do something nice.
Problem with PC is who is gonna run the group and is there going to be a solid use for it to be recreated? Although, yes it would be nice to have people that you like talking help you through situations, you have to realize they aren't going to do as good as a professional. Like you said, it's the internet.
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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2019, 10:45:24 pm »
I suppose if I'm honest I don't see it happening for the majority of people, at least showing vulnerability community-wide. There's a variety of people, of all ages, and not all of them are gonna be understanding of other people's things.

"hey taking a temp leave cause my ma is sick"
"hope your ma dies"

yaknow, there will always be one saying something dumb like that. It's the internet and there are little repercussions for people saying mean things, likely why we do it so much

but with cL gone, it does seem reasonable for the idea of peer counselling coming back to be proposed, given the right leadership of the group & all that other stuff. Should allow the vulnerability for those who are ready to give it. <- probably the most useful point of my post

Figured I would comment something cause I think the idea is nice, and it's nice that you're tryna do something nice.

peoples lack of social awareness and why theyre so attracted to online gaming forums becomes very obvious from posts just like youre talking about like this

don't get cancer, that's cringe

or

Sorry about your brother. See you on jb when you get back
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Since people are so used to joking with each other since you only play video games with each other, and even if you do talk about personal stuff it's just briefly mentioned. People treat everything like "just memes", and unless you build a serious connection with someone it's hard to do. It's also hard to build a serious connection with someone over the internet, nevermind a whole community. If someone is having personal problems, the best thing to do is to reach out to a professional or reach out to a real life friend or family member. Online friends are cool to play video games with, but they never see past what you want them to see. IRL friends you have a much stronger connection since they generally see shit even you don't want them to, and with family they see literally everything, all the good and all the bad. If you don't have IRL friends to reach out to it makes it a lot harder, but online friends aren't really a good supplement, as you just grow more and more dependent to your computer to feel more emotionally stable.

For temp and departure posts, it also doesn't help how people just want to pad their post count and say dumb shit like "see you soon" when they've never even talked to you. Just makes everything seem fake as fuck.
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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2019, 10:55:50 pm »
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Problem with PC is who is gonna run the group and is there going to be a solid use for it to be recreated? Although, yes it would be nice to have people that you like talking help you through situations, you have to realize they aren't going to do as good as a professional. Like you said, it's the internet.

Who runs group - not up to me, two competent members I assume
Solid use - helping people

And I mean, no shit to them not being as good as a professional, it's more so "here's a group of people the community deem to be good to talk to, they are there if you need them" and cannot for whatever reason, reach out to a professional


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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2019, 03:12:13 am »
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I agree some people are fake.  But I've always found it much easier to talk about my personal issues with my online friends.  When I'm at home, or school, there's a standard or expectation of what I should be doing and how I should be doing it.  For example I'll spare you all the details but I had a friend I played overwatch with for over a year.  While we are a lot more distant now I don't think that I've ever met somebody I could be so real with.  She helped me, was there for me, and gave me the advice I needed.  Sure I might be a bit emotional but that doesn't mean that seeking help from IRL friends is always whats best for everyone.  As for what you said about friends seeing family issues,  for some people this community and the friends they've made here know more about their home life than any IRL friend (At least for me lmao).  Generally when you open yourself up to a person they are much more willing to open themselves up to you.  I don't want to @ her but this specific person is similar to my friend I spoke about earlier.  I can trust her and look up to her for help or vent my frustrations.  I'm a bit of a social outcast so it's hard for me to make deep connections with people IRL.  But for the time I've spent in this community I don't think I've ever felt so at home.  I would much rather vent my feelings to one of my good tango friends than any friend I have in the real world.  Call me a nerd, call me a freak, but the online community is where I feel at home; and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not alone.  But, to wrap things up, what I'm trying to say is for some people a friend made online is just as important as one of your friends IRL, and I don't think it is as simple as you made it out to be.  Not everyone has the resources to speak to a professional and for some people talking to an IRL friend may not be an option.  But I guess I could be wrong and I could be the outlier right?  Anyways, In my case, the bonds I create online are just as strong if not stronger than the ones I make in the living.   And while these bonds may not last forever or for very long, they still exist and it would be absurd to try to neglect them.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that in my case and possibly other's cases, creating bonds over something like an online community and then opening ourselves up to members of said community may be a lot easier than trying to do so IRL.  It is especially easy because we all have at least one thing in common, a love for the internet.

Thanks for hearing me out if you read all this,
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« Last Edit: September 25, 2019, 03:15:44 am by baseballattix »

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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2019, 07:02:47 am »
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Problem with PC is who is gonna run the group and is there going to be a solid use for it to be recreated? Although, yes it would be nice to have people that you like talking help you through situations, you have to realize they aren't going to do as good as a professional. Like you said, it's the internet.

Who runs group - not up to me, two competent members I assume
Solid use - helping people

And I mean, no shit to them not being as good as a professional, it's more so "here's a group of people the community deem to be good to talk to, they are there if you need them" and cannot for whatever reason, reach out to a professional
On phone, sorry 4 errors and rambling bc I'm typing this on mh break

I'll elaborate on this more but for now; all too often people have tried to take that role as a "professional perspective" when it is something far out of their reach.

Peer counseling on paper was established, and while being run by Rangii and slayer, proven to be an effective and well organized.

and that's just it, absolutely no offence(se?) to any person who took the reins of that group, but eventually it led to a downward spiral the moment people took critical moments into their own hands.

As Rain said in her original post. Trying to show vulnerability is ok but there is always going to be one/multiple person(s) that will say some dumb shit & some people might not understand why they're coming at them like that, same thing happened when my mom was near-dying.

Vulnerability is something that should be shown to people you're comfortable with, whether that's a few people or multiple.

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Re: We need to have a talk.
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2019, 07:58:50 am »
I am in fact qualified as a professional perspective, you can come to me at anytime for assistance with a vast variation in the topic via discord direct message - dope#6167
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