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Author Topic: Essay for Internship  (Read 194 times)

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Offline Brownies

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Essay for Internship
« on: January 06, 2019, 02:14:59 pm »
So, I am in a college-preparation program and have been in it since 8th grade, and currently in 11th grade. I fit the requirements for this internship this summer that you have to apply to, and there is an essay, even though I pretty much have a counselor helping me along the way, I wanted to come here and get some advice on the essay, any grammatical errors or suggestions on sentences would be great! Any advice would help to be completely honest. One of the reasons I am asking tango for advice is because I plan on putting tango in the essay somewhere, but we'll see.Thank you tangotutors. As of 1/6/2019 2:13 P.M., I am not done with the essay but will be adding on and making fixes as I go, I will update the thread with update notes.

Essay Prompt:
Why you want to participate in this research opportunity
What you hope to gain from the experience
What interests you about engineering
What thoughts you have about your future career
Why are you interested in the project you rated #1

   The wonders of engineering are viewed by us each and every day. In the year of 2019, the expected amount of people in the world that own a smartphone is going to increase to 2.5 billion people, with the expected population to surpass 7.7 billion people, that is 32% of the population that has access to these brilliant creations that would have been seen as insane ideas only 30 years ago. What intrigues me most about engineering is the fact that there are people alive today, that were alive when the creation of our everyday devices that we take for granted were just getting off the ground. This thought makes me think about “What is being created today, that in 30 years, will just be a normal component to society?”

   Throughout my lifetime, I’ve been introduced to a variety of career paths and different fields to become immersed in, but I truly have never found the one field that takes my interest and doesn’t let go out, until I realized it was engineering/computer science. I have become consumed by computers my whole life, from my Dad’s first computer he built and had in the house when I was 6 years old, to the surplus of devices I have today, a PC, a laptop, a smartphone, and just so many amazing devices that I have become fortunate to utilize. The first introductory I had with a computer was when I got my first ever laptop at the bright age of 10, fresh into 5th grade. While transferring to a new elementary school in 5th grade, I became more of an introvert, sticking to myself and more importantly, sticking to computers. Although my first few years with computers saw no significant improvements within the engineering and computer science field, it gave me experience with computers and also sparked an interest within me towards technology. I am confident that the introduction of computers at an early age, not only increased my vocabulary, but helped increase my learning capacity, as I was learning new things on the computer every single day.

   Besides the necessity for computers in my daily lifestyle, one of the reasons I am interested in this momentous opportunity is that I want to be exposed to new, specific fields of engineering and computer science. I am aware that there more than 100 fields of engineering, but I am not aware of which fields do what, which ones are important within society today, what most fields are called. I hope this opportunity not only introduces me to these fields, but develops an interest within me to one specific field. I had a short-lived experience with robotics within my school, which I enjoyed greatly for the time I had participated in it. I also have been fortunate enough to participate in a brief computer science course over the summer with Upward Bound, giving me the basics, and some knowledge on coding. Although that class did not develop me into a renowned coder, it did introduce me into what computer science consists of. I’ve always had an interest into coding, but never had the opportunity to take a class, never had the resources to take advantage of, and just never knew where to start if I wanted to learn it myself. What I hope to gain from this opportunity, is not only more about the subject of computer science, but experience in the whole field, and most importantly the resources/networking opportunities that could become very beneficial to me later on in my future.


1/6/19 2:28 P.M. - Added 3rd paragraph

« Last Edit: January 06, 2019, 02:28:45 pm by Brownies »
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Offline sTunned_

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Re: Essay for Internship
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2019, 08:18:52 pm »
Hello! Just a few small tops from a language geek;

Your grammar and sentence structure is done very well and needs very few tweaks.

Essay structure is huge in the world of writing and it’s what differs you from the rest. Firstly, opening with anecdotal data on an essay is great, however, this essay needs more of a hook, something that will draw the reader in. By possibly restructuring the sentence, it could give that desired effect.

I also suggest writing your essay in expository format, it looks visually appealing to employers when they see an essay that looks structured. Expository format consists of 5 paragraphs, an introduction, 3 body paragraphs, and a conclusion. I am not telling you to write three more paragraphs, but divide them, give the page some structure.

For example, expository format can be used in many different scenarios, like this very comment. Even though I could very well just be some kid on the internet who doesn’t have a clue on what they’re talking about, it LOOKS appealing. Peoples’ eyes can play very powerful tricks on them, use that to your advantage. Happy writing!
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